Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Hi, everyone. This is Dawn Clem, and you are on my podcast, Milkweed and monarchs.
[00:00:10] When I first moved to Maine, I was going to be going back to graduate school up there, but I had it in my head that I didn't have enough experience in nursing in different venues. So I had spent most of my career working inpatient, and I did work outpatient briefly as an LPN before I was actually a registered nurse. So I thought I need to do, you know, kind of expand my horizons.
[00:00:45] And I decided to apply for a job as a visiting nurse in southern Maine. And it was quite a rural area.
[00:00:55] For those of you who know me.
[00:00:58] I'm just going to say, why did I think I could drive for a living? I'm actually a really horrible driver. I've been a horrible driver all my life. Part of it is I'm kind of a nervous driver and I'm easily distracted, but the other part is I'm short. So I'm either putting a pillow underneath me or behind me so that I'm up close, close to the wheel and can see, which I know sounds ridiculous, but anyhow, I'm gonna. I applied for the job as a visiting nurse, and I got the job.
[00:01:35] There were eight of us, eight registered nurses, and each of us was assigned to a specific territory. I absolutely loved the job. I'm telling you, rural Maine is so beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. So driving around did not bother me. You know, I'd have the radio playing.
[00:01:57] I mean, it really was not a bad job at all. And you really didn't make a difference with the patients when you came to their home to take care of them. So it was a good job. I liked it a lot.
[00:02:08] But the one part of the job that could be kind of challenging was that each one of us had to rotate through a weekend on call.
[00:02:19] And what would happen is you would be on call Friday through Sunday, and then you would have Monday off to make up for the weekend. So it was my turn to be on call.
[00:02:34] Each of the nurses would come and give you kind of a mini report on patients that they thought potentially could be calling you over the weekend so that you would have a heads up. And then we had, like, a little tote box where we would carry all of the patients face sheets with pertinent information, directions on how to get to their house, that kind of thing. So that was part of our on call package.
[00:03:05] And then it was way before the time where you had gps.
[00:03:10] It was way before the time where we had Internet and cell phones. So they would. They gave us. It was called the phone, but to me it was more like a walkie talkie kind of thing. I mean, it was big, like a walkie talkie. And I found a lot of times the reception wasn't always that great on it. And I would lean my head out the window to be able to get better reception if I had to call someone while I was driving or going to a place.
[00:03:44] So one of the nurses came over to give me a report, and she said, there's absolutely no doubt in my mind you're going to hear from this patient.
[00:03:54] The patient is a 42 year old woman. Her name is Maya, and she has end stage ovarian cancer. She's actually dying from the cancer right now. She lives with her mother, her sister, and her boyfriend in Kennebunkport.
[00:04:14] And they don't want her, the three of them, to go on a morphine drip because. Or a morphine IV infusion because they're afraid that she will die once she goes on the morphine drip. So trying to make her comfortable has been an issue. And they get really nervous if they think something is wrong. And they call me quite often. So I know you're going to get a call from them.
[00:04:45] So I'm like, oh, great, right? So I start my weekend call. I make it through Friday night. I make it through Saturday all day. I make it through Sunday all day. By now I'm thinking, Yahoo. I'm going to get through the weekend. I haven't had any calls. This is going to be a great on call weekend for me.
[00:05:06] No such luck. So it's 11:00 at night on Sunday, and the on call phone goes off. Sure enough, it's Maya's mother calling to tell me that Maya is really uncomfortable. So I walked her through the process of, have you turned her and repositioned her? Have you sat her up? Have you? You know, I just went through every tip that I could think of to try and bring her comfort without me having to go down there for a visit.
[00:05:40] And she says, we've tried everything, and we really think that you need to come. What am I going to say to that? Of course I'm going to come. I said, yes, I will be down there. I live in Portland, so it's about an hour from where you are, and give me time, but I'm going to load up my things right now and I'll be on my way. So she says, okay, great.
[00:06:06] So it's fall. It's October in Maine. It's pitch black out and it's pouring rain. Pouring rain. There's not a star in the sky. And not only is it pouring rain. But it's raining so hard that all the leaves are coming down. So it feels like it's raining leaves. And it's raining raindrops. I mean, it was awful.
[00:06:35] The other thing is, it was a kind of a scary drive down there for me. Kenny Bunkport, if any of you have ever been there. Is filled with little windy roads in and out of everything. And it's so beautiful. And the water, it really is spectacular. But driving there is a challenge. And you already know I'm not a great driver. So I'm driving in this awful weather, trying to get down there. And I get down there. I think it's about 1230 now.
[00:07:11] And I just remember rolling the window down in my car. And sticking my head out the window with my walkie talkie telephone. And telling her, I think I'm on your road, but how much farther do you think I need to go? You know? So she's giving me directions. And I'm trying to drive with my head out the window. Kind of a dangerous prospect when I think about it. But finally, I pull up in front of their house. And for any of you who have ever read Lemony Snicket books.
[00:07:44] I always think of those houses in reference to their house. It was just a tall, skinny, narrow house. Old house, like a victorian house. And it had a widow walk at the very top. So normally I would love that to in the daylight, right? With not. Not pouring rain and pouring leaves. It was kind of spooky.
[00:08:13] And I had to climb two levels of cement stairs to get up to this front porch.
[00:08:21] I'm hauling my stuff up there, and I knock on the door. Her mom comes to the door, opens the door and lets me in. Introduces herself, introduces her sister. And then she says she's upstairs in her bedroom, and her boyfriend is with her. He can introduce himself when you get up there. So I'm like, okay. So they give me directions on where the stairwell is. And I walk up this massive victorian staircase. Beautiful. And her bedroom was on the left.
[00:08:56] And I walk in the room, and I can see her boyfriend is leaning over the bed talking to her. And when I come in, he stands up, and he comes over and introduces himself to me. And then he says, I'll leave you with Maya to talk to her. So I'm like, okay.
[00:09:14] I will never for the rest of my life forget the picture of Maya in that big bed. So she was in a big bed. I don't even know if it was a king or queen, but it just looked massive. Because she was like a shrinking violet in that bed. Her little head was peeping out like a little pea in a pea pod, I'm telling you. And she had really dark, dark hair. And she was surrounded by.
[00:09:49] It almost looked like a white feather bed or a down comforter over her and white linens. And the headboard was like an old victorian headboard.
[00:10:01] And she was just laying there lifeless. With her little head peeking out.
[00:10:06] So I go over to the bed, and she could not talk loudly. So that's why he was bent over to hear her. And so I bent over to hear what she had to say. I introduced myself.
[00:10:21] I told her I was there to help her as much as I could. And she said to me, and I'm going to kind of mimic how she said it. She said, you've got to help me. Please help me. They won't let me die. Oh, my God. I'll never, ever forget it for as long as I live. I'm telling you, never forget it.
[00:10:45] So I reached under the covers. And I grabbed her bony, skinny hand. It was like a skeleton.
[00:10:53] And I squeezed her hand. And I talked to her for a while and tried to provide her some comfort. Repositioned her a little bit. And then I said, maya, I think I'm going to need to have a conversation with your family.
[00:11:09] And she was just shaking her head up and down. And then she said, please.
[00:11:15] And so I said, I'm going to go down and talk to them now. And I'm going to see what I can do.
[00:11:21] And she just said, thank you. And I walked out of that room. I'm telling you, it took everybody ounce of me not to start crying. That's how much she impacted me.
[00:11:35] So I walked back down the stairs. And of course, her family is anxious to hear what I have to say.
[00:11:43] And I'm thinking to myself, oh, how in the heck are you gonna handle this, dawn? How are you gonna handle it? So I said, we're gonna have a family conference right now. I'd like the three of you and myself to sit down and have a discussion about Maya. So we went back into the little living room, and we all sat down. And I proceeded to talk to them about death and dying and suffering.
[00:12:12] And I went through everything as much as I possibly could. I answered every question that they had. And I talked to them about suffering. I talked to them about keeping the patient comfortable. I talked to them about honoring her wishes, not their wishes.
[00:12:37] I felt like I repeated myself over and over again.
[00:12:42] It was like a never ending conversation. It really. And it was 4 hours.
[00:12:50] So I remember I left her bedroom at 01:00 I consciously looked at my watch.
[00:12:58] And at 05:00 in the morning, the family finally agreed to put her on a morphine infusion. That's how long it took me, 4 hours.
[00:13:12] They cried.
[00:13:14] I cried. I mean, the whole thing was just so sad. And it was so hard for them because they know. They knew that they were going to lose her.
[00:13:25] And probably one of the hardest things I've done in nursing was that night.
[00:13:34] So I said, listen, it's going to be Monday morning. It is Monday morning here. Nobody gets into the office until 08:00 but I can call the physician, her physician, and let him know that you have all agreed for her to go on this morphine infusion and he'll start the ball rolling. But they probably won't be able to get anything out here until after 08:00 so everybody agreed with me.
[00:14:07] And I went out to the car and I called the physician office and he called me back. He happened to be on call, too. That worked out great. And I told him the whole scenario. And then I told him that I had really finally gotten through to the family and that we were going to be putting her on morphine infusion. He said, that's great. I'm so happy. Thank you so much. You know, I appreciate your good work. He said, I'm going to call in the orders to the pharmacy right now and then you can let them know in the office. So I got my. I was in my car and I drove back to my house. And when I got back to my house, then I called her nurse and just let her know what was going on. And then I went to bed. I crashed. I was exhausted. That was a long night for me.
[00:15:07] And then I had that day off, so that was good. I got back to the office on Tuesday, though, and they couldn't wait for me to get into the office to let me know what had happened. And apparently they had gotten all the orders. They got the iv started probably around 830 or 09:00. And by 11:00 that morning, Maya had passed away.
[00:15:35] So. Was so sad. So sad that she suffered for so long. She needed that medication, and I don't even think she got much of the medication, but she could relax and let go and let God.
[00:15:53] So everybody in the office was pretty emotional that day. Any nurse that had been on call had dealt with that family. And Rosemary, her primary nurse was relieved and sad all at the same time. It was just heart wrenching on so many levels for all of us that had cared for her.
[00:16:18] The nursing supervisor over us said, we need something after this. We need a day out as a team. We need to do something to celebrate all of the good work that we do here. And this was so emotional for everybody. I really want us to, to have something, so I'm going to be thinking about what we're going to do, and I'll let all of you know, and it's going to be something for us to look forward to. So that sounded good to me. I thought that was really, you know, I felt supported, which is a great thing when you're in a difficult job like that.
[00:17:04] So the next day I came in and the nursing supervisor said, well, I thought about this and thought about it, and I think the one of the most fun things we can do is we're gonna go see a psychic. I'm like, what? What are you talking about? I'm thinking about dinner, right? I thought for sure we were gonna go out to dinner, maybe go dancing. You know, I'm still young. I'm thinking, and why not right now? We're going to see a psychic. A psychic? What the heck does that even mean? You know, I was just, did not even get the how this was going to help me after what I had just been through, right? I didn't get it at all. But I thought, well, you know, we'll all be together, so that'll be fun. She says, I'm going to be working on dates and I'll let you know.
[00:17:58] So sure enough, she picks a date. And of course, on that day, I'm on call again, so I'm unable to go with the team for a team building thing to a psychic, if you can imagine.
[00:18:13] So that day comes around, they all go, I'm on call. I go home, and the next day I come into the office. Or the following Monday, I think because it day was on a weekend. Again, they're like, all of them come in. Oh, my gosh, dawn, you have to go see this lady. It's incredible. They wouldn't tell me anything about it at all. They wanted it to be a surprise for me. I go, when am I going? They go, oh, you don't have to worry. The supervisor said, I already made a separate appointment for you. You're all set. You're off on Tuesday. So I made this appointment for you to go and see her. I go, really? She says, yes, you're all set. Here's the directions on how to get to her house. I'm thinking what they would not tell me, I had no understanding. They just said, you have to go. You're gonna love it.
[00:19:11] Okay. So the Tuesday comes, the whole time I'm thinking, how much fun can it be to go see some woman that's gonna look at your palm and read your lines? I don't even get it. I mean, to me, that's what a psychic was, right? She's gonna look at my hand and.
[00:19:27] And read my palm. That's all I could think about. I really had no understanding of what was gonna happen when I got to this woman's house.
[00:19:39] So she lived in old Orchard beach. That was still probably another half hour, 40 minutes from my house.
[00:19:50] And I get up that morning, and I'm thinking, am I really gonna go to this? And I'm like, yeah, you kind of have to go. Because everybody else has already gone. And they're gonna ask you about your visit there. Yeah, you gotta go. You're not gonna get out of this. But it didn't feel like a team building thing to me. I mean, I wasn't with the team, you know, whatever, dawn, you're gonna be able to talk about it. So I had to keep that in my mind.
[00:20:18] So I get dressed, do my usual morning routine, my appointments at 02:00 in the afternoon. So I get ready to drive down there. And the whole time I'm driving down there, I'm thinking, I must be out of my mind. I'm driving to somebody's house, a person I don't even know. What am I doing here? That's all I could think to myself the whole time I get down there, I've got her address. I locate the house. And the house is kind of cute, actually. It's a little grape gray, cape Cod house. I'm like, well, this doesn't look so bad. It's not so ominous. I think I might be able to handle it.
[00:20:59] So I pull into the driveway, and I go up to the front door. And I ring the doorbell. And the door is opened by a woman who's. I would describe her as very pleasant looking, ordinary woman in her probably early fifties. She had glasses on. She had her hair up in a bun. That's what I remember about her. She said, are you done? And I said, yes, I am. She said, my name is Judy, and I'm so glad you came today. And I was like, thank you, Judy. She said, I need to go upstairs and get the room ready. Okay.
[00:21:38] Get the room ready. I mean, there was like giant warning signs flashing in my head. I'm like, am I gonna get murdered today? You know? I don't know. I just was so fearful of the whole thing. She says, you can go and sit into the. Sit in the living room. This is my husband. She introduces me to him. I don't even remember what his name was, I think, because I was so petrified. And I'll go get the room ready and then I'll come back down and get you when I'm all set.
[00:22:12] So I am a talker. So it wasn't a hardship for me to start a conversation with her husband. And I quickly found out he had been in the army and of course I had been in the navy. So we had this great conversation and I was starting to relax a little bit because how bad could this be? I mean, he was in the military. He's married to her. It's got to be okay. I mean, I'm justifying this whole visit in my mind the whole time I'm waiting for her.
[00:22:45] Finally she comes down. It was probably ten minutes. And she goes, okay, I'm all set for you. You can follow me upstairs. You walk up the carpeted stairs, and as with most traditional capes, there was a bedroom on the left and a bedroom on the right. And she said, we're going to go into this room. So go into the bedroom on the right. And there's two chairs in there and literally nothing else. It's just a completely empty space with two chairs. That's all it is. So she says, please have a seat. I sit down in one of the chairs, she sits in the other, and she says, I'm going to say a prayer first to get us ready for your visit. So I'm like, okay. So I bow my head and she says this prayer. Very nice prayer. I'm starting to feel a little better. At least she's praying, you know what I mean? Okay. So she says, amen. I say, amen. We put our heads up, and the first thing she says to me is, oh, my goodness.
[00:23:56] This whole room is filled with people. I'm like, what?
[00:24:02] What are you talking about? I couldn't see a thing. Nothing looked like an empty room to me. She said, there are so many people in this room, you would not even believe it. I'm like, really?
[00:24:15] How come I can't see them? She said, they. They've crossed over. And I'm like, oh, okay. She said, the first woman, she's coming forward, coming towards you. And she has a big, huge bouquet of yellow roses, and she's saying that she wants to thank you so much for helping her cross over.
[00:24:46] She says if you hadn't have talked to her mother, sister, and brother, she would have never been able to get to. To the other side, I'm telling you. I mean, it had only been ten days since I had that experience with Maya. Or maybe it was longer than that. It could have been about two weeks, I think.
[00:25:12] And so I was completely taken off guard when she said that to me. I was not prepared.
[00:25:22] And then quickly, in my mind, I started thinking, what the heck? How could this be happening? I started thinking, and this is the honest to God's truth. Okay, I get it. This is a setup, because I was there by myself. So I figured that they had all told her this story, and so she was gonna go with that story and. And kinda, you know, try to freak me out a little bit. And really, it did freak me out, I'm not gonna lie.
[00:25:53] But then she said, but there's so many other people here too, and there's a young man here, and he really wants to talk to you. I'm telling him to come forward.
[00:26:08] So I'm like, how are you telling him to come forward? She says, I do it mentally. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[00:26:18] I don't know why I didn't bolt out of that room. I'm telling you, I don't know if I was fascinated or I was scared to death.
[00:26:29] I said, you're here now, dawn. Take a deep breath. Let's just get through this. So the young man walks over to her, and he introduced himself to her as my mom's younger brother.
[00:26:45] Well, it is true. My mom had a younger brother.
[00:26:49] His name was Don.
[00:26:52] And when I was four years old, he was killed in a car accident. Actually, I think it was a truck. I don't know if it was a truck, because he drove truck. I know that part.
[00:27:07] And that's all I knew about him. I do have memories of him. I remember him sitting in the backseat of the car with my brother and myself. And I remember. Cause he used to tease my brother and I, and he smoked cigarettes, and so he would always blow smoke rings. So I knew I had a vision of who he was. And I remember when he died, because I remember getting on my good wool coat. It was in November, and it was cold in Michigan, and I had a matching wool hat to go with that coat. And I just remember standing by the door waiting for everyone to be ready to leave the house to go to his funeral. But I don't remember a thing about the funeral. I don't remember anything past then.
[00:28:02] So when she said, this is your mom's younger brother, I'm thinking, what the heck? She said. He said his name starts with a d. And I'm like, what?
[00:28:13] The other thing is, that was kind of freaking me out. I mean, my uncle Don was killed in the car accident in Ohio.
[00:28:25] I lived in Michigan. I grew up in Michigan, and I'm in Maine, and this woman is telling me the story. And, like I've already told you, we didn't have Google. We didn't have Internet. I mean, if you wanted to look something up, those were the days when you went to the library and looked it up in an encyclopedia kind of thing, right?
[00:28:48] I am so freaking out because how could she possibly have known that?
[00:28:55] And he says to me through her, I have a message for your mom. I want your mom to know that it really was a car accident.
[00:29:10] I'm like, what?
[00:29:12] She knows it was a car accident. Yes, it was an accident. He said.
[00:29:19] So she told me.
[00:29:22] She's telling me what he's saying. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna call my mom when I get home, and I'm gonna tell her what he said.
[00:29:34] Well, she talked to me for about an hour.
[00:29:38] All of the people that she told me about were all people that had already died in my life.
[00:29:46] And they were all people that. There's no. They were all from when I lived back in Michigan. There's no way she could have known this. There's absolutely zero way other than the spiritual way. That's all I can tell you. That's all I can tell you.
[00:30:07] So I was still freaking out about the whole thing, and I left there, and I just didn't know what to think about anything.
[00:30:18] My mind was racing 50 miles an hour. Well, that's not very fast. So let's say 150 miles an hour.
[00:30:27] And it was one of the most overwhelming experiences that I've probably ever had in my life. And I never went back to see her again either. Just to let you know. I don't know how I felt about it at the time. I just. I just was so much for me to process.
[00:30:47] Anyhow, I drive back home, I'm thinking about this thing the whole time, my whole experience.
[00:30:52] And I get home, and I had to wait for my mom and dad to get home from work, and this is when I'm still using a landline, right? So, you know, I'm waiting to get ahold of them, waiting for them to get done with dinner. And then I called my parents, and I said, I had an experience today, and you're just not gonna believe what it is, but I have to share it with you. And so they're like, okay. And I told them the whole story about how I had the patient, and the supervisor wanted to do something fun, so she hired a psychic. And my mom's like, what? I go, yeah, I said the same thing, mom. I really did. I didn't get it either. But I want to tell you what happened. When I went to see her, she said that uncle Don was there and that he came to visit me. And my mom's like, what? And she said, he has a message for you.
[00:31:46] And the message is, it really was an accident.
[00:31:52] When I said that to my mom, my mom gave out, like, a little cry. And then she started to cry.
[00:32:00] So she was like, a little. I mean, okay, first of all, you have to know my mom. Any of you that know my mom. I had seen my mom cry exactly one time at that point in my life. One time. One time only. I don't even remember her crying at my uncle Don's funeral, but then I don't remember that much about it. So the only time I had ever seen my mom cry prior to this phone call was when the dry cleaner ruined a suit. I'm serious. Ruined one of her suits that she needed to go to a business meeting. And she was so mad. She really cried that day. And I remember thinking at the time, wow, this is a big deal. My mom is crying. So that's why it stuck in my head. So she started crying. I'm like, mom, why are you crying? What is this all about? This is so weird to me.
[00:33:01] Well, my uncle Don was young. I was four when he died, but he was 24 when he died. He had gotten a girl pregnant early on. I think they were teenagers, or maybe 20 at the time.
[00:33:17] And none of his brothers and sisters or parents had liked the woman. And she had basically insisted that he get married to her, and they ended up having a son. But the relationship was extremely tumultuous, and all of his sisters did not like her at all, especially my mom. My mom was really close to him age, and he was just underneath her, so she and him were great friends.
[00:33:51] And when he got killed in the car accident, his divorce happened to be final that day, and she knew he had been very depressed about it. And so for all these years, they had wondered whether he had killed himself intentionally. Or whether or not it was actually an accident.
[00:34:17] So when I told her, he said it was an accident.
[00:34:23] She was crying tears of joy. Because even though it was so sad that he died, it was such a relief to her to know that it was an accident and not a deliberate action on his part to end his life.
[00:34:44] Shoo. Made it through that. It was hard, you know, that. That happened to me 30 years ago. I was in my thirties when that happened.
[00:35:01] And the story has never, ever, ever left me.
[00:35:07] When I think about Maya laying in that bed, I'll just never forget it. And of course, I think to myself, it's okay to say when you've had enough, right? And she said clearly to me that night, she had had enough.
[00:35:29] So she was a brave woman, and I will never forget her.
[00:35:35] And she came to see me after she crossed over.
[00:35:40] That was the other thing that I learned that night.
[00:35:45] I learned that there is eternal life and that it's really kind of like a veil that we live in, right?
[00:35:54] So kind of like, if you think about the sun and the moon, when the sun is up, you don't see the moon, and when the moon is up, you don't see the sun.
[00:36:09] And that's how it is. I feel like people die and they cross over and there's eternal life. But they're still with us. They're always with us. And I think. I don't know if I would have felt like that if I didn't have this experience.
[00:36:30] It changed the way that I looked at things, and I think it made me a better nurse, especially for end of life care.
[00:36:43] It was an experience that I needed to have in order to be a more compassionate and caring nurse.
[00:37:06] That's the end of this story for today.
[00:37:09] I hope you enjoyed the story.
[00:37:12] Don't forget to go on my website, milkmon.com. M I l k m o n. All one word.com. Please leave any comments that you might have for me or suggestions, and if you have a story that you would like me to share, please let me know about that.
[00:37:36] I would love to be in contact with you and talk about your story.
[00:37:43] And also just know that we are working on a process where I'm going to be able to do the live interview. So we have a plan going forward, and we're still working on that. But that will be coming. No doubt about it.
[00:37:58] Thank you.
