Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Hi, everyone, this is Dawn Klem and you are on my podcast, Milkweed and Monarchs.
[00:00:08] Today I'm going to tell you part three of my journey with my ex husband. So I know I've told you that I divorced him and I moved to Maine and I told you the story that kind of led me down that path. Although there were so many things, that story, just a brief understanding of, of some of what went on while I was married to him, it was not good.
[00:00:41] We were like oil and vinegar. There were times when we really got along, but there were times when we were so far apart and he wanted his own way. So he's not somebody that would ever give in to anything.
[00:00:56] And he was difficult. That's all there is to it. I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I kept saying, well, if my mom died when I was 9 years old kind of thing. But there comes a point when, come on, you're an adult now. Go to therapy, get some help.
[00:01:17] So I had moved. This story is going to start while I'm in Maine. Okay, this is the next journey.
[00:01:29] So you've heard about the incident that kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
[00:01:36] And then you heard about me actually leaving and divorcing him when I lived in Cape Cod.
[00:01:43] You know that I moved to Portland, Maine and got a job up there.
[00:01:49] And then you heard the part about how he sent me roses to the hospital.
[00:01:56] But here's the last chapter of what went on.
[00:02:01] So I'm at home in my apartment. I had been working at Maine Medical center, and I'm at home one evening in my apartment and there's a knock on the door.
[00:02:15] Now I lived in a little four apartment building, but there were like three of those buildings on the property.
[00:02:25] And there was a big parking lot there, so the front door was not locked because they all of us had our own entrance way into our own apartment, and we could keep our door locked that way.
[00:02:41] So anybody could have walked in and out of that building.
[00:02:45] When I think about it, you know, that was a long time ago and things didn't seem as crazy as they are in this life we're living now.
[00:02:55] But anyway, there was a knock on the door and I'm thinking, who could that be? Who in the heck is knocking on my door? I thought maybe it was one of the neighbors.
[00:03:06] I go over to the door, I open the door and there's my ex husband standing there.
[00:03:14] What in the heck are you doing here?
[00:03:18] How did you even get my address?
[00:03:21] I changed my name back to my maiden name. So I was just flummoxed as to how he had even figured out where my address was. Of course, I would think I was a little naive. He said, I went to the post office and I got your change of address.
[00:03:39] I'm like, oh, God, Dawn.
[00:03:42] It didn't take much, right? I wasn't really, really hiding myself very well.
[00:03:48] But anyhow, I'm like, well, what do you want?
[00:03:51] He said, I'd like to take you out to dinner. I said, I'm not going out to dinner with you. It's over, it's done.
[00:03:58] I don't care if you just drove two hours up here. I think it was 77 miles.
[00:04:05] He said, I really need to talk to you. I said, I'm not going to talk to you. I'm. I'm completely moving forward.
[00:04:13] And what about that don't you understand?
[00:04:16] I divorced you. I changed my name back to my mate. My. I changed my name back to my maiden name, I should say. And I moved out of state.
[00:04:28] I mean, that's pretty clear that I am not.
[00:04:32] I don't need to talk to you. You already got everything.
[00:04:37] I'm moving on.
[00:04:38] And I promptly shut the door in his face and lock the door.
[00:04:42] Was that. That was pretty brave on my part when I look back on it.
[00:04:46] But I was a nervous wreck.
[00:04:49] I'm not going to lie. I'm like, if he can drive all the way up here and just show up at my door, what else is he going to do?
[00:04:59] I got to figure this out.
[00:05:02] So I called my friend Liz, and she's like, oh, I'm not surprised at all. I'm like, oh, you're not?
[00:05:08] I don't know if I was just so naive. I'm still like that. I want to believe the good in people, but sometimes you can't. Sometimes you have to see it for what it is.
[00:05:20] So she's like, don, I think you should go to the court and get a restraining order.
[00:05:25] At that time, I was also seeing a therapist up there, and I talked to her about the situation, and she agreed. She said, get a restraining order. He doesn't have any reason to be honest up here. He has no reason to be. He lives in Massachusetts, so he has no reason, excuse me, to be knocking on your front door. He doesn't have any friends in Maine that you're aware of. I said, yes, that's part is true.
[00:05:54] So I decided to file a restraining order against him.
[00:05:59] And of course, I had to go to court.
[00:06:03] I had the whole thing Done. I have to show up in court and go in front of the judge. So that probably took about a couple weeks at least.
[00:06:13] And I get in front of the George, the judge that day and I will never forget this.
[00:06:19] So I standing up there and he says, most of the time I get requests for restraining orders and I typically listen to what the complaint has to say and why they think a restraining order is necessary. And 99% of the time I hand out a restraining order for three months.
[00:06:46] But in this case, this is an unusual case.
[00:06:50] And the person that she, the complainant is trying to hold back from, from seeing her wrote me a letter.
[00:07:02] He wrote me a very well written, educated letter stating the reasons why he should be allowed to come into the state of Maine whenever he wants. I wasn't trying to ban him from the state of Maine. I was trying to ban him from coming anywhere near me.
[00:07:27] Really.
[00:07:28] He had a history of violence.
[00:07:33] Oh my lord. So anyhow, he gave me the restraining order against him for six weeks. Normally it would be three months. But since he wrote him such a wonderful letter, he couldn't hold it to three months. Oh my God. I left that court. I was on fire.
[00:07:53] I was on fire.
[00:07:55] So let me say to all you women out there who have been through something like this, I hear you.
[00:08:03] It is not easy to get your point across in any way now. I don't, I mean I didn't hire a lawyer or anything. I just filed on my own and showed up in court when I was supposed to.
[00:08:19] Maybe I should have hired an attorney for this.
[00:08:22] But I was so upset that they didn't even take my story into consideration. It was like I wasn't even in the court. I wasn't even present when I told the story. When I filed the complaint, I didn't even talk. He never asked me my reasoning for wanting a three month restraining order. There was no conversation on my part. It was only him and him talking about how my ex husband had written this great letter.
[00:08:56] Total load of cr, A, P, P, E, or crappy as they say in French.
[00:09:03] I mean that is utterly ridiculous when I look back on it. I think, yeah, I think this is why I stayed married to him for so long. Because I was afraid of the consequences. He's always somebody who pushed the limits, pushed the boundaries, did just enough to make it known that he was in control.
[00:09:29] Okay?
[00:09:31] And so here was just another example.
[00:09:35] So I left the court and I was on fire. I'm not going to deny it. I was livid.
[00:09:43] I was so angry.
[00:09:46] I Couldn't even get past my anger. That's how angry I was.
[00:09:51] Then I get home, I go, I'm going to take care of this once and for all. This is not going to happen like this.
[00:10:01] So I decided to write him a letter.
[00:10:04] I wrote him a letter.
[00:10:06] I said, I don't ever want to see you again. I don't want you coming near me. I don't want you coming near the property. The restraining order was granted today for six weeks. But when the restraining order is up, I never want to hear from you again.
[00:10:26] Never.
[00:10:28] Okay.
[00:10:29] In the meantime, I found out that one of our mutual friends, a male friend who had been in the Navy with us, he actually lived in Guam with us when we were over there. And then he came back to San Diego and we remained very good friends with him.
[00:10:46] He had moved back to Massachusetts to be closer to my ex husband. And then he decided to go back to the same training that my husband went through.
[00:11:00] They had a program up at the community college in Portland, Maine where I was living that offered that program.
[00:11:09] So he had applied to the program, was accepted, and I was working at the hospital one day and I saw him in the stairwell and I was like, john, what are you doing here? I said, oh, I'm gonna, I'm going through the cardiovascular technician program at Southern Maine Community College and I'm doing my practical here.
[00:11:33] I am, like, really? I had no idea. He said, yep, it's a two year program, so you'll probably see a lot of me and you know, we'll have to get together or something. I'm thinking, oh no. Hell to the no. We are not going to be getting together. Although I did not say that to him.
[00:11:54] I mean, why would I give him, him any fodder to go back and see my ex husband and tell him that he A, he's seen me and that B, he's going out with me socially. No, not going to happen.
[00:12:11] So I just pretended like that was it and I didn't have to even talk to him.
[00:12:18] I did go to a restaurant one night and I saw him in there and I did not say one word to him. I kind of feel bad about that. He wasn't the problem, but he was associated with my ex husband and for all I know he could have been spying on me or anything. I mean, that's just how my ex husband was.
[00:12:38] He's. I don't think anybody's ever said no to him. So for me to divorce him and move out of state was just too much for him. To bear.
[00:12:48] Seriously. I'd been living like this with him for eight and a half years and the divorce went through after nine years.
[00:12:58] So it was a long pattern of abuse with him.
[00:13:03] And there's so many more stories that you don't even know, but I told you the ones that I thought would be significant.
[00:13:12] So when I finally divorced him, moved and said no to him, he was incensed by that because he was not used to people saying no to him in any way. So it made perfect sense to me that he would send his friend up there to go to school.
[00:13:28] I didn't understand why his friend wouldn't go to school in Worcester, where my husband went to school and got that same degree. He could have easily gone there. It's only an hour drive, it's two hour drive to Maine.
[00:13:43] But I never got into the dynamics of that. I never wanted to know. I was just going to leave it put.
[00:13:53] But I saw John one more time and of course it was while we were working and he this time actually started talking to me about Mike, my ex husband.
[00:14:10] He started telling me, you know, he thinks about you all the time. He's been really sad since you left and he really was hoping that you could work it out, work these things, work it out with him. And I said, I'm just gonna be completely honest with you, John.
[00:14:30] If I would have had a gun in my apartment on the day that he showed up, I would have shot him.
[00:14:37] And he was like, oh my God.
[00:14:41] Just the look on his face, I mean, that is such a far stretch from me. But that's how far they had pushed me, both of them together.
[00:14:51] I was over being manipulated. I was over trying.
[00:14:56] I was always the one that was trying. That's the whole problem.
[00:15:01] A relationship is two people. This was only me, me putting all the effort in even one Christmas. Christmas, you know about Christmas? 364 days in advance.
[00:15:17] Okay, we all know when Christmas is coming. Come on.
[00:15:22] So on Christmas day, he had wrapped a box because I had asked for a watch. I mean, I'm a nurse and I needed a watch to be able to take vital signs and stuff. That's before we had the electronic vital signs machines like we have now.
[00:15:38] And so I wanted to watch with the second hand. That's the only thing I asked for.
[00:15:43] He wrapped a box, put it underneath the tree. I opened the box up and it says, I owe you one watch.
[00:15:51] I'm not kidding you. I'm like, really?
[00:15:54] That's my Christmas present. These are the things that you need to Know that I went through and why I was finally over him.
[00:16:06] Finally got some sense. But I do feel like you get brainwashed when you've lived like that for so long.
[00:16:13] You start thinking, what did I do wrong? What can I do better? What can I? You know? And I'm telling you, the women that I worked with at Cape Cod Hospital and my friend Liz, if it wasn't for them, I never would have left them.
[00:16:26] So anyhow, I told John the story about how angry I was and. And if I would have had a gun, he looked completely horrified.
[00:16:37] I went home.
[00:16:38] About a week later, I get a letter in the mail from my ex husband. Yes. If you can even imagine that he's. He's going to write a letter to me.
[00:16:50] Like, really, really, you can't just let it go.
[00:16:55] What's the matter with you? But anyhow, the letter's all about blah, blah, blah.
[00:17:02] I just could not believe that you would tell John that if you had a gun, you would have shot me.
[00:17:11] Says I. I am just dumbfounded that that's the way you actually feel about me. I'm thinking to myself, what? You are delusional.
[00:17:24] You are so delusional that you are not even looking at reality. And all the things that you have put me through, you. You have no understanding. Zero understanding. Okay.
[00:17:41] So I sent a letter back to him and said, I never want to hear from you again.
[00:17:49] I can't tell you how strongly I feel about this.
[00:17:55] We are not ever going to get back together.
[00:17:59] Don't try to send John out spying on me. It's over. I'm divorced from you. I'm starting a new life. You kept all the money. You kept everything.
[00:18:14] Okay? So I don't want to hear from you anymore at all.
[00:18:19] So I sent the letter.
[00:18:21] Then when the restraining order was up, I sent him another letter. Just to be clear. The restraining orders up. And I don't want to hear from you, period.
[00:18:33] Do not contact me. I don't know why I did that, but I thought I was doing it just to stop him before he even thought about it. Because I know him. Believe me, I do.
[00:18:48] So things are going along pretty good, actually. Not bad.
[00:18:56] And I haven't been back down to see my friends in Cape Cod.
[00:19:01] And I decide to go down and see my friends.
[00:19:06] Big mistake on my part.
[00:19:08] But I did go down and see them. They were also good to me. I thought, okay, I'm going to go down.
[00:19:16] Well, just so happens that I happen to run into him.
[00:19:22] How could that be? Yep, it happened. Ran into him, out of the clear blue. I mean, things do happen for a reason, don't they?
[00:19:32] He says, let me take you out to dinner while you're here. I'm like, oh my God, really?
[00:19:38] You know what I mean?
[00:19:40] Well, I go, well, th. This is going to be the last time. I really shouldn't even be having dinner with you. But if you have some things that you want to say and so we can finally put this to bed, I guess I can go one time with you.
[00:19:58] So I went out to dinner with him.
[00:20:00] I met him at the restaurant and he came in with a bunch of gifts for me, which was ridiculous.
[00:20:10] I think it was getting closer to Christmas. And so he had a bunch of gifts.
[00:20:15] One was a leather jacket, one was pearl earrings.
[00:20:21] And I think there was something else in there. A cross necklace I think he, he gave me. And then as if any of that was not bad enough, we had finished dinner, he gets up from his chair, he gets down on his knees and he says, will you marry me? In the restaurant filled with a bunch of people, filled with people. People started clapping and cheering.
[00:20:50] This is the truth.
[00:20:52] And I looked at him and I go, no, I'm not going to marry you. I made that mistake once. I will never make that mistake again.
[00:21:02] I don't know why I came out to dinner with you. I really regret it. And I really regret that I feel manipulated now and you're still trying to get me back.
[00:21:16] I'm never going back with you. It's not going to happen.
[00:21:20] It's completely, completely over.
[00:21:25] We're done.
[00:21:28] So I think he did kind of get it that day.
[00:21:31] Kinda, kinda did, kind of did.
[00:21:38] After that, I ended up finding my husband. Now we got married. We've been so happy. I mean, we've had our, our trials and tribulations, but more, our stuff is more family related, not between him and I.
[00:21:55] And when we moved back to Michigan on my birthday and by now we're talking, I've probably been married to him for 14 years. Yeah, it's probably been about 14 years when we moved back to Michigan.
[00:22:14] So I'm at the computer and in the kitchen and I'm going through my email.
[00:22:21] And out of the clear blue is an email from Mike, my ex husband. I'm serious. I'm dead serious.
[00:22:32] And he said it was my birthday. Yeah.
[00:22:36] And he said, I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday.
[00:22:43] I'm like, you got to be kidding me. Really?
[00:22:46] It was, there was more to it. But the gist of the email was that he was emailing me to wish me a happy birthday. How did he even find my email? I have no idea. How did his team know where I was living in Michigan? Come on, I'm not living where I grew up and where he and I had gotten married, all of that stuff. I mean, he had to do some detective work, Let me just put it that way.
[00:23:11] But anyhow, I responded back to him at that time and I said, listen, I do not know why you would want to contact me after all we went through together. It was such a tumultuous relationship. It was absolutely horrible in so many ways.
[00:23:38] Why are you taking the time to wish me a happy birthday?
[00:23:46] And he responded back to me, something that I will never, ever forget.
[00:23:51] He said, because knowing you are happy now makes me so happy.
[00:24:01] I thought, strange, but I'll take it.
[00:24:07] I guess that was his way of apologizing to me after all the incredible baloney I went through with him.
[00:24:18] I definitely grew up. I definitely learned a lot about myself.
[00:24:23] I know how much I can take. I know how much I can be pushed. And I know when to walk away. And that's the most important party.
[00:24:39] I hope you enjoyed my podcast today.
[00:24:46] Until the next time.
